mother no more.

The glow of impending motherhood still hasn't left her yet as she walks through the seldom used graveyard alone. The absence of people and graves does not surprise her. To her vacant eyes, the world around her is filled with mothers cradling their newborns, their infants, their babies, their toddlers...happy smiles, joyful laughter, gurgles of pleasure...while she walks along wide overgrown pathways between tiny graves....to one empty, lying in wait for her to lay her baby. The air around her is heavy with unasked and unanswered questions. Seems she is walking alone...after all that was and all that was supposed to be, she finds she is alone. And somehow, she is beginning to like it that way. If there are any feelings left within her shattered soul that is.

go figure......wriiten in inspired moments. (n nope, it aint just a string ov words...) [sat,may 14th, 2011]

sweet, sensual, hesitating, incapacitating, doubtful, truthful, fearful, fearless, passionate, soft, innocent, forceful, needy, clingy, longing, loving, saddening, depressing, calm, traumatic, chaotic, angry, guarded, fiery, cold, deranged, maddening, painful, raw, tortured, wanted, needed, the ending, the beginning, the goodbye, the welcome, unknowing, unbelieving, confused clarity, clear confusion, good, perfect, pure, blind, joyful, tearful, wistful, aching, wishing, wanting, death, safety, security, loss, gain, unfulfilled, unwilling, breaking, strengthening, destroying, dreamy whispers, loud silence, shattering hurt, soaring, crashing, bursting, exploding, unwanted beginnings,  forced endings, unspoken needs, caressing breaths, agony, pretences of dispassion, blunt longings, unsaid wishes, said insanities, surge of regrets, fake smiles, forced jokes, honest tears, brimming eyes, quivering lips, shivering frames, nasty pain, caressing hurt, numb fingers, electric touches, fiery looks unharmed by cascading tears, enquenched thirst, painful beginnings, sweetest tastes.

that was our last kiss. 

genuine questions (sun, 9th oct, 2011)

i look at the both of you. you seem really happy. seems to me that in your minds, i will, just like your other children, be successful at what i do, get married to a really really good guy and settle down, make money, make a home, make children. it seems to me from what i see, that to you, all these are given facts. that when you say anything about it, i agree or that i dont mind when inwardly, im actually cringing, wondering n planning my escape route, my one way highway to freedom from this. because i really dont want to. and im so very unsure about if i dont want to or if i want to. im so confused in my own head. how can you be so sure that the future will go according to how you believe it will go?

what would you say if i told you that i dont want to get married?

what would you think? would all ur dreams/thoughts/hopes for your futures and mine crash all around you? would you be enraged? would you be saddened? or as always, would my decision dissapoint you and put you in a fix? would you think about the grandkids you hoped n thought youd have but who i threw out of the window before your eyes with that one sentence? did i slash your dreams? a son-in-law who will never be? the tons of kids (yourr grandkids) that i once said i wanted become a dream n just a dream? is that what happens when i say i dont want to get married?

does my decision anger you? do you wonder why i keep making decisions that are against your wishes and ways of life? do you wonder why i keep putting you in a bad fix? why i put you in a situation where you have to answer awkward questions asked by the nosiest of the nosy (besides every other person on the planet)?

or would you just cry and beg me to think again? to think about it long and hard and change my decision? would you put your foot down this time and say "no can do"? would you force me to get married? what would you do?

and more of bad meeting good.

you were there when it all began. you were there through the progression ov the problems. the biggest changes...the biggest worries, the biggest happinesses...you were there through it all. u helped me, you lifted me up, you brought me through it all with kind and caring words....but then i brot up problems..i made them...then you made more...and then everything was just one big problem. why? 

i write this only becos it helps me forget you. i write this becos wats in my mind i want to scream out to this world. i write this cos i want to. and i know you'll hate that i have done this. maybe thats why im writing it. maybe its my last bit ov fighting back. maybe its an outcry for help. maybe this is just who i am. did u know tat this might be who i am? i did. i just never acknowlegd it. so when it started coming out, u found it hard to accept it yourself. maybe it was all my fault to begin with, that i dint accept who i am...so you found it hard to accept the real me. maybe what they say is actually true.would it help better if we could hav this talk for real?  i dont know. all i know is that this one way convos with you really help. how much more will a proper convo help?

bad meets good. finally.

where were u wen i tried not to break down? where were you wen i was alone and needed you so bad? did ot occur to you that you were all that was in my mind day and night? that i woudnt be what i am now if i hadnt met you? you gave me such good times ..the best...and you gave me the worst...and till now, incomparable. you showed me so much, you gave me so much, and you also took away as much. you filled me and yet you drained me. what are you???

how could you have done all that? what was it that drove you to do everything you did? to be everything that you were? the good and the bad? there was one thing consistent though. whatever you did, good or bad, you still surprised me, you still made me wonder at the person that you were. i dnt know what you are now. its been a while. what have you become? are you the same? have you changed? do you regret what you did as much as i regret what i did? what is your life like? are you happy? are u satisfied? are u unhappy or are u just plainly accepting what you have? i ask because ive come to realize how much appearances can decieve.

i hope your appearance doesnt deceive me because i truly wish for the best for you. things have changed. everything that i knew to be is now not the same. i hope it is the same for you...but positively so. i hope you have the best. i hope you know that everythng happens for a reason. i hope you get what you want. i hope you never make the same mistakes. i hope you take the right path. i see you've become even more of an amazing person. and im happy. im proud of you. you always were an amazing person. you never saw it in yourself. i hope you see it now. if you dont, i sincerely pray that everybody around you tells you how amazing you are. but please always remember those gud times. you cant deny that they were amazing. it might never come back, but it was worth everything. i hope you know that.

and this? this is nothing. just something i hope you'll know someday.

note

I know this is going to be really really repetitive but I dont care so blah. I'm going to put up some of my posts from facebook here. I usually write it up first on Facebook so yea....!

hmmm...inside my head during dialysis...

i wrote this last week....was too...hmm...lazy to put it up i guess to be honest. kinda kiddish reli but i say it like it is :P  ::::

Dialysis was pretty eventful today. When poppy and I reached today, we were told that  the other patient in the room had a respiratory infection. So we were given face masks. And yes, even after he left, I folded it n carefully pocketed it. Dunno. Its my first yeah but guess its just cos I havnt been so involved with poppy’s dialysis  in the past 3 years like I have been in the past one week. When another patient came to the other bed, the nurse asked me to hold the lady’s arm so that she could find her vein. I saw, at close quarters, the thickness of the needle they use. It is mighty scary. The lady’s face crumpled in pain and I wanted so badly to stroke her hair and tell her its okay. But she was finding relief in her faith…she kept chanting prayers to herself softly.

Ive always wanted to hold pa’s hand when he is being cannulated. But im afraid I’ll hurt him more by squeezing his hand out of fear and nervousness. It just reminds me of all those times poppy held my hand when I was being injected for a hundred other reasons. I wish poppy wouldn’t have to go through this. I wish nobody had to. I keep wondering why God would do this. Is it for some sin he committed? What? Why would god inflict diseases like this upon anybody? I’ll never stop  wondering…and I cant seem to find an answer.

We aren’t in the main dialysis room. The main room in this hospital always seems to me an area of utter and total chaos. I guess that’s why poppy prefers this tiny room for two patients only. The main room is cluttered with ten beds, the nurses station, ten dialysis machines and various other paraphernalia assosciated with the treatment…whuch is a lot of stuff. Most hospitals do not allow people to stand beside the patient.  This hospital does. Which is the sole reason for why I can tell you all this about the workings of a dialysis room.

Well, there are a lot of people inside the room. When poppy does dialysis in that room, I keep to myself, folded up in a corner. And I while away four hours staring at everybody rushing around amidst the din caused by the beeping machines, people talkig and random movies or music shows that are playing on the television mountedon the wall. There are tubes everywhere going out of every patient, into a beeping blinking machine, out of the machine, back into the person intertwining the veins and arteries with blue and red tubes, connecting man to machine. A man made machine functioning for an organ God created to function for a lifetime.

Sometimes, the machines sound alarms for various reasons and then people run around more. People like me, new to the whole thing, look up alarmed. Others, used to it, might not even take a glance. The nurses keep checking poppy’s blood pressure. Theyre all very friendly and extremely chatty. Its nice in loads of ways. It keeps spirits up…I see it on poppy’s face. Quiet person that I am, I just smile and answer in short sentences. Cannot bring myself to talk much.

I enjoy these tiny hours of quiet time with poppy. When im tired, I just lay my head on his shoulder and he’ll pat my head till I fall asleep. Always, always being my loving poppy. 

tah-dah!! colourama

this was something my friend Swetha and i co-authored when we worked at Mudra, an ad agency in kochi. Danny, who was to look after us through those two weeks where we interned there, had us write a copy test. well, one of the questions in the test was to invent a weather of our own and write about it just like how it would be explained in a 4th standard text book. well here's what we came up with!!!

COLOURAMA

            This weather occurs during the months of January and February in a few islands off the coast of Australia. The temperature of this time stays at a constant -20 degree Celsius without snowfall and without any movement of air. The atmosphere is calm and still.

Bonk

          The unique feature of this season is BONK. Bonk is a slightly viscous, multicolored moderately hot liquid that rains over these islands continuously over the period of two months. A faint smell of tomatoes fills the air when it bonks.

        When it bonks, the leaves change color according to the color of the bonk drop that falls on it. The bark does not change color. The mud found on these islands are black and it absorbs the bonk without any change in color.

Lifestyle

      The houses on the islands are designed to withstand the effects of this weather. The walls are made of glass and as wood repels bonk the sloping roof is wooden. The roof is designed to touch the ground so that the bonk runs into the mud.

       As this weather is unique to these islands the inhabitants of these islands have developed a special bonk resistant material called  REBONK .Rebonk is a white rubber like material, quite similar to that which swimming gear is made of. During this season the islanders wear body suits made of rebonk and black galoshes and they carry transparent umbrellas to protect them from bonk which has some unusual effect on the human body. One of the effects is that hair changes color on contact just like leaves do. On contact with skin, bonk reacts with the skin causing a high amount of hair growth in that area. This problem solves by itself in a day or two.

:D 

and more...

by the way, the last two paintings of the previous post were painted on walls... :)

yow!!! 

an ants life...and death [i wrote this initially on facebook..now ive put it here... =) ]

and so i was walking along minding my own business trying to get to that bit of food id seen earlier. it was just another hot day and all my 6 feet were hurting. and suddenly a shadow loomed over me big and black and threatening and my whole body burst into pain unlike anything id ever felt before. my whole world blacked out in an instant.

i dont know how much later it was but i opened my eyes and shook my head to clear the buzzing...when did the bees decide to pay us ants a little attention? everything around me seemed white...or was i dreaming...i closed my eyes again. the ground under me felt satin soft...the air was cool...i felt...whole.

"i'm not where i was before" i yelped and opened my eyes again and looked all around. and up. and there he was, smiling the most loving smile. wait a minute, he was actually looking at me!! me!! most people dont even notice us ants. most ants dont even notice me.but im pretty sure he was smiling at me because id looked around...there wasnt anybody else around me!!

i smiled back hesitantly...he stroked my head ever so softly and lovingly. and i relaxed. relaxed more than i ever had. 

i knew i was in heaven. free from the heat and cold and water. free from other ants that lorded over me all the time just because i was quiet. free from the constant fear of being stepped on by humans or animals...always having to scutter around carefully...watching out constantly to make sure i wasnt going to be crushed any moment under those ginormous feet or by those tiny cute monsters they call babies. free from the bees that constantly buzzed at us. free from being hungry most winters and being shooed from plates of glorious food when i was hungry.

aahh...peace. i looked up at God and whispered "thank you"

to begin with

well...here i am...ermm yes tat was very unecessary i know but i just felt like saying it! :P

to be honest...i dnt know wat this particular post is about...im just writing it because i couldnt stop myself from beginning the blog...its this feeling like...hmm..when u buy a book that u just cant wait to get home, get under the comforter and begin to read...or when u buy the most scrumptious cake and you cant wait to just dig in...or like..hmm..when my sister milin came home with little kia just after she was born...i just wanted to pick up that delicious child and kiss her and bite her chubby cheek..i couldnt wait!! well...it was a similar feeling when i set up the blog. so i now find myself writing this post. and im back to wondering what im trying to write about. 

theres this feeling...you have a lot in your head and you want to bring it all out but your just not able to pull one sane thought out of the whole mess...like a tightly wound knotted up ball of thread that you just cant undo...sort of reminds me of these pictures i took last night around the same time when pops and i were driving back to calicut. all the reflectors on the highway looked so pretty and i wanted to take pictures of them. but the car kept bumping over the reflectors and well...u'll see... i'll add the pic... :)

oh...im just gonna sleep..