mother no more.

The glow of impending motherhood still hasn't left her yet as she walks through the seldom used graveyard alone. The absence of people and graves does not surprise her. To her vacant eyes, the world around her is filled with mothers cradling their newborns, their infants, their babies, their toddlers...happy smiles, joyful laughter, gurgles of pleasure...while she walks along wide overgrown pathways between tiny graves....to one empty, lying in wait for her to lay her baby. The air around her is heavy with unasked and unanswered questions. Seems she is walking alone...after all that was and all that was supposed to be, she finds she is alone. And somehow, she is beginning to like it that way. If there are any feelings left within her shattered soul that is.

go figure......wriiten in inspired moments. (n nope, it aint just a string ov words...) [sat,may 14th, 2011]

sweet, sensual, hesitating, incapacitating, doubtful, truthful, fearful, fearless, passionate, soft, innocent, forceful, needy, clingy, longing, loving, saddening, depressing, calm, traumatic, chaotic, angry, guarded, fiery, cold, deranged, maddening, painful, raw, tortured, wanted, needed, the ending, the beginning, the goodbye, the welcome, unknowing, unbelieving, confused clarity, clear confusion, good, perfect, pure, blind, joyful, tearful, wistful, aching, wishing, wanting, death, safety, security, loss, gain, unfulfilled, unwilling, breaking, strengthening, destroying, dreamy whispers, loud silence, shattering hurt, soaring, crashing, bursting, exploding, unwanted beginnings,  forced endings, unspoken needs, caressing breaths, agony, pretences of dispassion, blunt longings, unsaid wishes, said insanities, surge of regrets, fake smiles, forced jokes, honest tears, brimming eyes, quivering lips, shivering frames, nasty pain, caressing hurt, numb fingers, electric touches, fiery looks unharmed by cascading tears, enquenched thirst, painful beginnings, sweetest tastes.

that was our last kiss. 

genuine questions (sun, 9th oct, 2011)

i look at the both of you. you seem really happy. seems to me that in your minds, i will, just like your other children, be successful at what i do, get married to a really really good guy and settle down, make money, make a home, make children. it seems to me from what i see, that to you, all these are given facts. that when you say anything about it, i agree or that i dont mind when inwardly, im actually cringing, wondering n planning my escape route, my one way highway to freedom from this. because i really dont want to. and im so very unsure about if i dont want to or if i want to. im so confused in my own head. how can you be so sure that the future will go according to how you believe it will go?

what would you say if i told you that i dont want to get married?

what would you think? would all ur dreams/thoughts/hopes for your futures and mine crash all around you? would you be enraged? would you be saddened? or as always, would my decision dissapoint you and put you in a fix? would you think about the grandkids you hoped n thought youd have but who i threw out of the window before your eyes with that one sentence? did i slash your dreams? a son-in-law who will never be? the tons of kids (yourr grandkids) that i once said i wanted become a dream n just a dream? is that what happens when i say i dont want to get married?

does my decision anger you? do you wonder why i keep making decisions that are against your wishes and ways of life? do you wonder why i keep putting you in a bad fix? why i put you in a situation where you have to answer awkward questions asked by the nosiest of the nosy (besides every other person on the planet)?

or would you just cry and beg me to think again? to think about it long and hard and change my decision? would you put your foot down this time and say "no can do"? would you force me to get married? what would you do?

and more of bad meeting good.

you were there when it all began. you were there through the progression ov the problems. the biggest changes...the biggest worries, the biggest happinesses...you were there through it all. u helped me, you lifted me up, you brought me through it all with kind and caring words....but then i brot up problems..i made them...then you made more...and then everything was just one big problem. why? 

i write this only becos it helps me forget you. i write this becos wats in my mind i want to scream out to this world. i write this cos i want to. and i know you'll hate that i have done this. maybe thats why im writing it. maybe its my last bit ov fighting back. maybe its an outcry for help. maybe this is just who i am. did u know tat this might be who i am? i did. i just never acknowlegd it. so when it started coming out, u found it hard to accept it yourself. maybe it was all my fault to begin with, that i dint accept who i am...so you found it hard to accept the real me. maybe what they say is actually true.would it help better if we could hav this talk for real?  i dont know. all i know is that this one way convos with you really help. how much more will a proper convo help?

bad meets good. finally.

where were u wen i tried not to break down? where were you wen i was alone and needed you so bad? did ot occur to you that you were all that was in my mind day and night? that i woudnt be what i am now if i hadnt met you? you gave me such good times ..the best...and you gave me the worst...and till now, incomparable. you showed me so much, you gave me so much, and you also took away as much. you filled me and yet you drained me. what are you???

how could you have done all that? what was it that drove you to do everything you did? to be everything that you were? the good and the bad? there was one thing consistent though. whatever you did, good or bad, you still surprised me, you still made me wonder at the person that you were. i dnt know what you are now. its been a while. what have you become? are you the same? have you changed? do you regret what you did as much as i regret what i did? what is your life like? are you happy? are u satisfied? are u unhappy or are u just plainly accepting what you have? i ask because ive come to realize how much appearances can decieve.

i hope your appearance doesnt deceive me because i truly wish for the best for you. things have changed. everything that i knew to be is now not the same. i hope it is the same for you...but positively so. i hope you have the best. i hope you know that everythng happens for a reason. i hope you get what you want. i hope you never make the same mistakes. i hope you take the right path. i see you've become even more of an amazing person. and im happy. im proud of you. you always were an amazing person. you never saw it in yourself. i hope you see it now. if you dont, i sincerely pray that everybody around you tells you how amazing you are. but please always remember those gud times. you cant deny that they were amazing. it might never come back, but it was worth everything. i hope you know that.

and this? this is nothing. just something i hope you'll know someday.

note

I know this is going to be really really repetitive but I dont care so blah. I'm going to put up some of my posts from facebook here. I usually write it up first on Facebook so yea....!